she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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