I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
