just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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