I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
