babies were throwing up all over the place
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
