The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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