I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
