just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
