Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
