I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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