Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
