he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
