Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
