does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
