so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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