I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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