evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
