TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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