A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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