i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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