I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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