I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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