I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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