I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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