where am i from again
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
