just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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