He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
