his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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