She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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