He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
