You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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