I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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