Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
