Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
