i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
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