he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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