she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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