I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
