i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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