i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
we should paint friendship bongs
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