I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
