Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
