remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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