I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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