I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
