soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
