when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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