Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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