god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
