I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
