Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
