I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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