She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
