A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your cock deserves a montage
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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