You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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