Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
