I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
